I got dumped today. Someone broke up with me and it hurts and it sucks and I’m just downright over this retarded pain that I keep putting myself in. It straight blows. But you know, I think it would all be so much better if it didn’t take until the last straw for someone to tell me what was wrong. If I’m immature and clingy, please tell me that before you don’t wanna be around me anymore. Especially when I TOLD you that I was clingy and was actively trying to change that.
Here is the worst part actually … Ladies, I know there aren’t any that read this but maybe, just maybe this gets out there. Ladies, stop telling a guy he’s awesome even if you don’t wanna be with them. It is complete garbage and if he’s anything at all like me, then all its gonna do is make him think that he’s not awesome enough. Because awesome shouldn’t be the word to describe the guy you just dumped, it doesn’t make sense because if he was awesome you wouldn’t have left him. Bottom line, end of story.(extenuating circumstances permitting of course)
An Atheist Professor of Philosophy was speaking to his Class on the problem Science has with God. He asked one of his new Christian students to stand.
- Professor: You are a Christian, aren’t you, son?
- Student: Yes, sir.
- Professor: So, you believe in God?
- Student: Absolutely, sir.
- Professor: Is God good?
- Student: Sure.
- Professor: My brother died of cancer, even though he prayed to God to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But God didn’t. How is God good, then? Hmm?
- (Student was silent)
- Professor: You can’t answer, can you? Let’s start again, young fella. Is God good?
- Student: Yes.
- Professor: Is Satan good?
- Student: No.
- Professor: Where does Satan come from?
- Student: From.. God.
- Professor: That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
- Student: Yes.
- Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn’t it? And God did make everything. Correct?
- Student: Yes.
- Professor: So who created evil?
- (Student didn’t answer)
- Professor: Is there sickness? Immortality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they?
- Student: Yes, sir.
- Professor: So, who created them?
- (Student had no answer)
- Professor: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son.. have you ever seen God?
- Student: No, sir.
- Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your God.
- Student: No, sir.
- Professor: Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, smelt your God? Have you ever had any sensory perception of God, for that matter?
- Student: No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t.
- Professor: Yet you still believe in Him?
- Student: Yes.
- Professor: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, Science says your God doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?
- Student: Nothing. I only have my Faith.
- Professor: Yes, Faith. And that is the problem Science has.
- Student: Professor, is there such a thing as Heat?
- Professor: Yes.
- Student: And is there such a thing as Cold?
- Professor: Yes.
- Student: No, sir, there isn’t.
- (The Lecture Theatre became very quiet with this turn of events)
- Student: Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have anything called cold. We can hit 458 Degrees below Zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of Heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.
- (There was a pon-drop silence in the Lecture Theatre)
- Student: What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
- Professor: Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness?
- Student: You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have Low Light, Normal Light, Bright Light, Flashing Light… But if you have No Light constantly, you have nothing and it’s called Darkness, isn’t it? In reality, darkness isn’t. If it is, You would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?
- Professor: So what is the point you are making, young man?
- Student: Sir, my point is, your Philosophical Premise is flawed.
- Professor: Flawed? Can you explain how?
- Student: Sir, you are working on the Premise of Duality. You argue there is Life and then there is Death, a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?
- Professor: If you are referring to the Natural Evolutionary Process, yes of course, I do.
- Student: Have you ever observed Evolution with your own eyes, sir?
- (The professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going)
- Student: Since no one has ever observed the Process of Evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a Scientist but a Preacher?
- (The class was in uproar)
- Student: Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain?
- (The class broke out into laughter)
- Student: Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? .. No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established Rules of Empirical, Stable and Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures?
- (The room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable)
- Professor: I guess you’ll have to take them on Faith, son.
- Student: That is it, sir.. exactly! The link between man and God is Faith. That is all that keeps things alive and moving!
- ----------------------------------------------------
- That student was Albert Einstein.
- Brilliant.
So, I Haven’t Been on in Awhile
Concerts I’ve been to in my Lifetime
Oingo Boingo x2 ‘93, ‘94
3 Doors Down ‘03
Nine Inch Nails x2 ‘06, ‘09
Foo Fighters x3 ‘08 (x2), ‘09
Muse ‘11
The Offspring x2 ‘09, ‘11
Linkin Park ‘09
Tool x2 ‘09, ‘11
Five Finger Death Punch ‘11
Godsmack ‘11
Atreyu ‘09
Hollywood undead ‘09
Sublime w/Rome ‘10
The Dirty Heads ‘10
311 ‘11
Pepper ‘11
Paramore ‘10
Stone Temple Pilots ‘10
Cage The Elephant ‘10
Weird Al x7 (every year from ‘01-‘08)
Chevelle ‘10
Franz Ferdinand ‘09
Green Day ‘09
Street Sweeper Social Club ‘09
Wolfmother ‘09
Street Dogs ‘09
Lecrae ‘11
Thousand Foot Krutch ‘11
Matt Maher ‘11
Our Lady Peace ‘03
Train ‘04
Matchbox 20 ‘04
Serj Tankian ‘08
…And I think that’s it. Its a pretty complete list I think. Got just about every genre except thrash metal up there … Planning on seeing either ATR or ABR for that one :))
Two Posts in a Day
So I finally go the official news today: I’m cleared to begin light body weight and cardiovascular exercise. I think like four or five people know exactly how important this is to me and how incredible that news was. It feels like forever since I dressed in track clothes. But I’m gonna get to do it, gonna get to run, do push ups, sit ups, ride a bike. It feels really strange to realize how far I’ve come since I felt my heart torn to shreds.
At 3:30 am tomorrow morning, it will be exactly 6 months since I sent a frantic text to Angel telling her that I cheated on her and was begging for her forgiveness. And at 10:30 tomorrow morning, it will have been six months since she officially ended our relationship, ending what, up until this point, was the longest stretch of overall happiness I have ever had. It also ended the closest relationship I’ve ever had with another human being, both the most intimate and emotional. When it ended I wanted to die, wanted to crawl into a hole and stop breathing because with every breath I took, well, it felt like the whole she tore open in my chest grew wider and wider. Even talking about it right now is like scratching at the scar tissue. It hurts, much like the dull ache in my knee where the sprocket of my bike cut a gash two inches long and an inch deep, almost severing the tendons that hold my knee together. I got lucky then, and I’m lucky now. God saved my life, saved me from me. And after today I can honestly say that I love God more than anything on this planet.
He brought me from the lowest of the low, thinking about suicide and being addicted to self-pleasure, to thoughts of saving people and of ministry and of love. His love saved me and even though it was the most trying time of my life, the most agonizing time where my emotions were so rocked and my mind so muddled that I felt like I didn’t even have the mind that got me through high school by sleeping. I didn’t have my body, I couldn’t play golf, I couldn’t tell the girl I was in love with that I loved her, but God kept His arms on my shoulders. Even though i couldn’t hold my head up high, even though my lustful nature was too strong for me sometimes, He stayed with me and He guided me through everything.
I find peace in Him now. I thank Him for showing me that I will never have to hurt like that again, at least not alone. I have wonderful friends that have lifted me up to Him, that have supported me through everything. I thank you guys too. Although the only one I owe my life to is God, I owe you guys an awful lot for sticking by me through my neediness, my clingy behavior, my attacks on you, and the emotional rollercoaster that it is to be friends with me. Thank you guys.
Pastor Joe mentioned on the day of my baptism that Christ’s ministry didn’t start until He was baptized at the age of 18 (I think that’s what he said). Since that day I have felt progressively better about life. And hopefully Pastor Joe was right, that me being baptized when I was 18 means something very important. I owe everything to God and Christ. He fixed my life and heart the way no one else could.
This passage was my Grandma Lola’s favorite passage, and it is mine as well:
The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
3 He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell[a] in the house of the LORD
Forever.
First Post in Awhile
I haven’t posted a REAL blog post, or one of my usual ones in awhile. So I guess I’ll just start it off by throwing the topic out there: sex.
For three years sex took up quite a lot of what I thought about, pretty much every night I spent in my room I was thinking about sex with some girl or another. I’ve realized that my virginity isn’t something I can be proud of because I KNOW that if I had been in the position to have sex, it would have happened. Its tough for me to know that. The hardest thing is that I have friends that have given it up, really close friends that also follow God but are not virgins and its something that makes remembering why I should wait, why I HAVE to wait so important. God has become so very important in my life. I’m closer to Him than anyone. That makes me feel strange because it doesn’t seem normal to me. I talk to Him and it makes me feel light and peaceful. Like talking to Angel did.
Knowing that these people that say they love God, and that He comes first in their lives, and some of them continue to …
I was talking to a friend earlier today and I realized what it is that I want that is sexually related. At least I hope this really is what I want. I want someone that feels that type of want, the physical and emotional want of making love, towards me, but knows that we need to wait. And so can help me by reminding me. Can help me by sharing that they want it too, but that God says we need to wait, and by waiting it will make it even more special, and will make us even closer knowing that we were able to stay together and stay loving without the physical stuff.
I really wish I could say I’d been that close with someone.
Why?
Why am I still so in love with you… Looking through the history of my Youtube account, I found a video you made for me a little over two months after I asked you out. Just hearing you happy and hearing you say you love me gave me the chills. How did we get so far away from that? I have proof that we were happy, and proof that the relationship we were in was damn near perfect, and we still fell apart. Well, no, I fell apart. Maybe it was me being strong for so long that kept us together and when I didn’t have the strength to hold back the fear and the jealousy and the insecurity anymore… well, we both know what happened. You left me broken and hurt, so much so that I shut myself off from actual human interaction as much as possible. I entertained thoughts of suicide because you were all that mattered. I think back now and I honestly hate that I was that invested in your love that I would think about ending my life because I didn’t have it anymore. But I barely talk to you anymore, and as much as that actually has made some of this a little bit easier, it hasn’t made me any less in love with you.
After the end of the video I actually had this urge to go to sleep and try and dream about you because at the moment it sounded amazing, to live through a few moments (no matter how fictional) with you sounded like the best idea I’ve ever had. But I didn’t. I didn’t lie down and try to dream of your face. What I did was start writing this. I started it because I feel like I’m helpless, like I’m in the air about to hit the ground and all I can do is flap my arms really fast and hope they turn into wings.
God has a plan for me, I know that. But I have this sinking feeling that He brought you into my life for two reasons: to show me how wrong I was living my life and in turn bring me to Him, and to at least let me have a taste of the love I was longing for because having someone love me like you did for the rest of my life isn’t in His plan for me. That scares me so badly. To think I might never have a child with a woman, that I might never have a family of my own.
At the same time I am afraid of ever being that close to someone again. Like, I can’t even imagine feeling something for someone like I did for you. I hate who I became because of the insecurities and the LOVE I felt. I was possessive and … I haven’t changed and no matter how badly I want the romantic things, the familial things, I don’t wanna hurt someone that loves me again.
What Happens …
What happens when you fall in love with you best friend? Or the person you’re in love with becomes your best friend? What happens to the friendship when the love starts to fade? What happens to the love when something cracks the friendship? Loving and falling for your best friend is probably the best and most satisfying relationship you could ever have next to knowing God. That’s all for this post, just yeah.
I have problems
I have a feeling that if I was in a situation to have sex with a woman … I would. This is being single and her willing. And I don’t like that. I don’t think i would have the strength to refuse the satisfaction and pleasure that would come with making love. No, it wouldn’t be that, it would be sex. Making love is for a man and a woman in love. I can’t figure out how to beat this. I’ve thought so many things on what I need to change, what I need to work on to actually fix the symptom, or at least lessen it. But nothing I’ve tried has worked. Praying every time the thoughts come up seems to only push them away for a few hours. After I pray them gone two or three time in a single day, its like a flood and I feel like there isn’t anything I can do. I’m afraid that one day I won’t have the strength to save myself… I don’t know.
Every time I close my eyes I remember two things … her crying when I told her I cheated on her, and the innumerable texts that said she hated me. Those thoughts are usually followed by the sex ones, since her and I were so intimate. So the prayers to God to take away the thoughts of her accompany the ones to take away lust… They always come back stronger than ever.
I don’t think I’m ready for another relationship, and others agree with me, so I don’t even bother trying to get close with girls I don’t already know.
Whenever I start thinking that I have feelings for someone I start to think about how I hurt her and then get afraid that if I hurt this next person, I won’t be able to get back up at all.
I’m afraid that if I spend all the time, wait so extensively to build the friendship I want to develop into love, I’ll miss the person that already loves me.
I’m just downright afraid. I’m scared. And I’ve never been this scared in my entire life. Never felt more broken, more disturbed.
